I was feeling hopeless. Why was I doing stand up comedy? No
one thinks I am funny. I never get booked. These thoughts were stirring in my
mind in a frenzy. I wasn’t conscious and I was suffering. Somehow, I put myself in this horrible state
of mind. I had been doing the things to improve and I had new habits of
productivity that seemed to work. I had
become identified with the work I was doing. I was expecting results and I
didn’t get what I thought should happen. I had forgotten the joy that comes
from immersing myself into an activity that I love to do for the sheer fun of
it. My state of mind was out of control. I thought I should just quit this.
There is no point in continuing on this way. I wanted to cry and just hide
away.
I wish I could say that I became aware of my self-hatred and
my suffering went away right then, but it didn’t. I was awake for most of the
night with my head spinning with all the negativity I could summon. I
eventually fell asleep. I know this because I was awakened by the alarm. I was
feeling pretty clear now and started thinking about what had happened last
night. I am learning enough of myself that I am able to discern why I do the
things I do. I believe that just paying attention to why, has helped me
tremendously to become conscious. Besides it is a process, so sometimes it
trial and error..
I decided that I did like doing stand up comedy, a lot. It
was so much fun to do when I didn’t worry about how it was going to turn out. I
love writing jokes and laughing while I work them out. It is fun to try them
out on friends and family. Telling them onstage is wonderful too, it’s the best
part. Then you can see right away how your sense of humor corresponds with the
audience. It is instant feedback. With all this good stuff, why was I
suffering? I wanted people to see how important this was to me. I wanted to be
recognized as a comedian and get booked in clubs. These were egotistical
expectations, that could never be placated.
I thought about these things for a while. I was tired of suffering
and I had enough awareness to realize that I was causing my pain. I felt that I
could live with letting go of ever being famous or loved for doing stand up. So
I consciously decided to drop any expectations of receiving anything from the
act of doing stand up. I will no longer let judgement distract me from the art
of doing my thing.
This judgement thing is a double edged sword. Sure the
weight of others judgements on me takes away from the focus of doing, but so
does my judgement of others. I will be angry because the guy next to me is
living my dream. I want to be living the dream not him. Indulging in this type
of thinking is such a waste of valuable energy. Letting go of this and just
allowing life to flow has freed me up in a big way, I actually feel lighter,
physically. I like that.
It’s pretty funny how you get tested right away, when you
are making new distinctions in life. I was no longer suffering in regards to
doing stand up. It felt good to go do a set with absolutely no expectation. I
was going to try and be funny and that was it. And I was! I started having
great sets. Then I was told that a set I had recorded last summer was going to
drop on a PBS show. I was pretty excited about that. Not a day later, I was
messaged by a friend who said they heard me on the Comedy Radio Station in
Denver. My excitement was building pretty quick. I am getting booked and it is
great! Still, I have to be conscious that these very things could cause me
suffering down the line. Stick to my path and do my best with no egotistical
expectations.
I am not saying don’t make plans. There is expectation in
that. To say I expect to profit from this project is a strong goal. There will
be a measurable outcome. Those expectations help to create action that will achieve
the desired result. Still it is a joy to give completely of yourself in action.
That is where my fulfillment is. Action.
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